No, I’m not that much of a Game of Thrones maniac (not that I want to judge anybody out there) and yes, I watched all the seasons in 1 week. To sum it up, I love/like the Lannisters, the imp guy, the bad father and of course, Jaime Lannister (the handsome guy). Well, leaving the superficial details aside, this is in my opinion, the best character out there, but I probably say so because I identify a bit with him (then again, I identify with most people I see in TV, read about in books… and less with real people).
In a universe where honour is mainly the people’s religion and kinda everybody makes decisions based on their vows of honour, this guy is kinda the agnostic, coming and questioning all the things the ones surrounding him are valuing. What happens when all your vows start contradicting each other? What happens when you only have your basic human consciousness to rely on? You make a choice, you kill the king you swore to protect, because that’s the right thing. But then, everybody will hate you, including the people watching TV, and no one will hear you out defending. The saints of the society, the beloved Ned Starks out there will turn their ‘honourful’ backs at you and fail to be the heroes you need them to be… and it’s not even their fault, you cannot judge them cause in the end it’s just a matter of … I don’t even know how to call it…. simplicity of mind. I’ll keep it short and leave you think…
Anyway, my “real” post is supposed to begin here. The storm ended. You know how in movies, they have these cliche metaphors “the silence before the storm”, “the storm’s coming”…The storm happened…whatever.
It’s coming close to a full year of independence, to say so, a first year of being on my own, on trying a different life and I now look back and I’m shocked almost. For the first months here, I was so paralysed with the new, the great and the awesome that I didn’t realise how unprepared I came, how everything slowly started to rebel against me, how all the perfect math grades were fading away… and suddenly I woke up with no identity. Where was that nerd that felt true happiness during Saturday-math-time? Where was the geek, the cute chick, the sociable one with all the high school friends, with all life figured out, with no worry and high-confidence? She was gone, and there was a new black page instead, that didn’t care about the previous one, the one that ended happily a boring fairytale. The girl was blocked. I was blocked and the shock here is that I didn’t realise it, I didn’t see through all the chaos.
I just started sinking, without knowing why, sinking into mediocrity, my biggest fear, and not being able to realise what’s going on. I just remember feeling alone, so alone because no one understood or I felt like nobody understood. I worried my parents, angered my friends, broke down in tears. It was just heavy rain.
Last week, I woke up. Or I was awakened.
(It’s interesting how maybe, some people felt me sinking, felt the earthquake and didn’t have the power to save, no matter how much they screamed … And it’s even more strange, how the voice that woke me up, was there all along… and silent all along.)
Now I organise the chaos, throw away the illusions, the lies, the past. It’s time to walk the line… the red line… my red line.